TSP, Being and Nothingness

Of course things do not exist until they are named. I don't need no government official to tell me that! It goes hand-in-hand with that other verbal black magic principle; if you name a thing then you control it. So to help out our belearguered government protectors and clear things up (or quite possibly not help and spread consternation), I'm creating some TSPs of my own. I've drawn my pentacle (colored chalk), inscribed it with protective symbols ('War is Peace,' 'Ignorance is Strength,' etc.), built a golden pyramid around it (cardboard and gold spray paint), placed an all-seeing eye on top (papier-maché) and am ready to begin:

Terrorist Scapegoating Program: Everyone who bothers me becomes a terrorist, a terrorist enabler, or a terrorist appeaser, depending on how motivated they are at bothering me.

Terrorist Surreptitious Program: Dedicated to being sneakier about fighting terrorists No, sneakier

Terrorist Secret Program: What program?

Terrorist Sur-Valence Program: Hanging short drapes along the top edge of terrorists' windows, thereby subtly undermining their culture of violence, or something.

Terrorist Sangrall/Sangreal Program: Getting the terrorists to waste time and resources looking for this powerful holy relic hidden somewhere in the Middle East, or in Turkey, or in the Castle Aaaaaarrrgggh, or possibly Scotland, without ever knowing exactly what the heck it is they're looking for, or why.

Terrorist Sinaloa Program: How can you be sure there are no terrorists in this northern Mexico state?

Terrorist Surge-Protector: Dedicated to spreading mis-information about our Surge, so the terrorists don't see its wonderous success and emulate it.

Terrorist Superciliousness Program: Spreading the idea that terrorists are gauche and déclassé. That's hitting them where it hurts!

Terrorist Slinky Program: Hours of fun! Hours when they won't be carrying out dastardly terrorist attacks.

Terrorist Space Program: Build rockets and shoot them into the Sun! Plus, it will give a moribund NASA something to do.

Terrorist Singles Program: Tie up their terrorizing time with boring and awkward mixers.

Terrorist Subgenius Program: Terrorists should already be targetting this decadent, psuedo-discordian church. Introduce them to it, so they can spend their time railing against it instead of us, as soon as they can figure out who and what they're supposed to be railing against, which may be a while.

If any government officials are reading this, please, don't send money. Eternal gratitude is enough.